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[11/29/09 @ 10:04 pm] |
So, the only thing I learned in church today, even though the rest of the message was really good, came from one brief sentence the pastor said. I don't even think he said this specifically. Wait, he didn't even say it. Some lady did. Anyway...
God doesn't condemn you for your hurt. even if you stepped right into it.
mm. comforting. I've been avoiding talking to God about this because I feel so guilty and selfish to say "god, I hurt" because I earned it right? but he doesn't condemn. hard to grasp, but nice to know.
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| color quiz results |
[11/23/09 @ 11:16 pm] |
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"Unfulfilled hopes have left her feeling uncertain and even a little fearful about the future. Needs to feel secure and avoid further disappointment; fears she will be looked over, lose her position, or lose respect. Has little hope that things will get better in time and her negative attitude leads her to place impossible demands on others or to compromise or bargain."
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| I am |
[11/10/09 @ 1:52 pm] |
tired. Extremely so. Been that way for awhile now. I dunno why though and that's really frustrating. I get sleep, but I find myself falling asleep at random times throughout the day and constantly feeling like a slug. Sorry if I've been pretty boring the past few days guys. I'm just exhausted.
Why I felt like that needed to be a lj entry I dunno...
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| mlia |
[11/06/09 @ 1:43 am] |
Always read mlia for inspiration.
I'm stupid. Being bitter about love. Stupid. There's someone out there for me :)
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| On Love and Postcards. |
[11/04/09 @ 1:25 am] |
About my postcard.
So many people have been hurt. Granted, I think a lot of these people are/were being stupid. Let's see, how to put all of this coherently? It probably won't be organized. It's just, everyone seems to be having problems with their significant other. Either that or they are totally enamored of them. The first is easy to have issues with. I mean, no one wants to fight. The second...I dunno. People start dating and then are talking about marriage only a few weeks later. It bothers me. Everyone getting all lovey-dovey. OR tearing each other's throats out all the time. Constantly fighting. It makes me not want to be in a dating relationship at all. I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of being so wrapped up in someone that I forget everyone and everything else. I'm afraid of fighting constantly. I'm afraid of having my heart broken. I'm afraid of being too weird for anyone to adore. I can't imagine myself being adored. I can't imagine someone looking at me, and knowing me, and going "wow...this girl is amazing." I can't imagine falling in love anymore. This makes me so sad it literally tears at my heart. I used to be so into fairy tales. Such a believer in love. I still am. I believe in love. I'm just afraid I'll never find what my parents have. I'm afraid there's no one out there for me, or if there is, that I'll chase him away. I'm afraid to let all my guards down. Especially that. I don't know if I can trust someone with myself. I've always been guarded. How do I drop that for my husband? I'm not afraid he'll leave me. I'm afriad I'll break his heart. How will I know who's the one? Will I make the wrong decision. I'm afraid of being all stupid-lovey and gushy. I guess the overarching theme here is I'm just so afraid to be hurt...Not that I've ever had my heart crushed or anything, so I don't know why I should have this fear all of a sudden. But I watch people get together then split apart and it makes me so afriad. I don't want to be the one curled up on the bed with her girlfriends telling her she's too good for the guy who just dumped her...even though he still has her heart. I'm afraid of being attatched. What if I suck at being a girlfriend? What if I'm just too strange for anyone? I don't want to be alone...but I'm afraid of giving myself to someone. I want so desperately to have someone to raise kids with and to grow old with. I just don't want to be the stupid, high school-ish couple that talks all sweet and gross but is always fighting. Or talks all sweet and gross and is thinking of getting married, even though they've only been going out for a week. I want someone to look at me and say "wow" even over the things I think are the nerdiest pieces of me. I want someone I can spend hours talking to. Someone who shares my interests. Someone who becomes someone I cna't live without. A best friend. Someone that I can always enjoy the company of. But I don't know if he's out there. I'm so scared he's not, or I'll be another Emily Dickenson and never say anything about how I feel and he'll go off and get married to some other girl and I will be alone forever because I'm too damn quiet.
NOT like I have to find someoen right now. I don't want them. Atm, I am pushing it away with both hands. But someday. Someday I'd love to.
There's so much more behind this. I just can't think of it right now.
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| People |
[11/03/09 @ 8:36 pm] |
This is an interesting feeling. I have never disliked someone so much before. Not that I hate them. I just can't stand being around them. At all. At first I was like "ok, I can handle this. I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut, slink to the back, and I'll be fine." Like usual ya know? But no. Five seconds and I'm ready to throttle them. Oy. Am I going to hell? Haha. Bleeeeeeeeg. Everything the say makes me cringe. You know how dogs' hackles rise when irritated? That's how I feel I probably should look. lol. If only that happened to humans so people could tell. On second thought, that probably wouldn't be the best for me. :P
On the opposite end of the spectrum, have you ever realized just how much you enjoyed talking to/spending time with someone until you don't talk to them or spend time with them? Haha. Yeah. Missing the random Trout convos. Someone making me feel so comfortable and not at all like a dork. Ok, so, yes like a dork, but like a dork with another dork friend. And Graci Lou.
Also missing the comfortableness of the usual crew. :/ Maybe I'm just being nostalgic. Don't get me wrong! I love my little family :) I just sometimes feel...out of place and unusually quiet.
Bethany, I miss rooming with you. So much. I feel like we've somehow separated. Ha. I'm so melodramatic. ew.
Hm. Niki and Hannah I miss you likes crazy! Likes crazy crazy! Likes I can't stand it no mores!
Feeling like I need to prove myself lately. Like I can't write. Like my passions are falling by the wayside. Bleh. Maybe it's just stress and such from school. Who knows? O well. I'm not pouring out my heart and soul on lj.
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| I'm gonna try to retype this as close to the original as I can |
[10/26/09 @ 1:16 am] |
Just had another one of the memories that makes me giggle girlishly. You calling me "m'dear." How could I have forgotten that? I blushed forever. That and "Ms. Capo" in your polite way, sounding so much like Mr. Darcy. Talking for hours. Chatting about random stuff like aliens and legends. I hope I'm not getting my hopes up and setting myself up for heartbreak. It's not like I can date anyway. And even then...what if he doesn't like me? What if all of the joking and teasing and what I deemed flirting, was just how he is?
But even if he had been interested, doesn't seem like he is now. And even if he was, I'm in no position to date. I know in my heart that I can't, or rather, shouldn't. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore, besides my bookstore. That much I know...I think.
More than anything I want to be closer to God. I want to breathe in God. To feel like he's a constant presence in my life again. I told myself I wouldn't date until I got to the point where I can solely rely on God. I don't want my self image coming from a guy who could leave the next day, but from the One who created the universe and will be with me forever. I want my passion back, my joy, my freedom. I want to live fully again, be entirely alive in my days and sleep well at night. I want to be able to sit down and write. I want to be able to create. Why I feel those things are related to my God relationship I couldn't quite tell you. In him rests my soul, and without that everything suffers.
But when I do date again, when God finally deems me ready, I know a little more of what I want. I want a boy who talks about Jesus with the passion you do. I want a boy with the heart of a child and the maturity and courage of a man. I want a warrior for my family and a speaker to my soul. I want a protector and encourager for my children. I want a best friend. A leader. A companion. Someone I can laugh hysterically with and talk for hours about serious topics with. Someone my family will adore as a son, and someone who will revere my parents as their own. Someone my brother can count as his best friend.
But until I meet him, whoever he is, I'll have to settle for praying for him. May God give you the strength to be faithful and the joy for each day.
And may I find my everlasting love in Jesus Christ. May I regain my faith.
May I find romance in my almighty king.
This was nothing at all like the original. But oh well. :)
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| "I give myself very good advice" |
[10/12/09 @ 1:20 am] |
People wonder why I'm so into Alice. The book is great and all that, but that one song in the movie...
"I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it." Such a great line, and so true.
Cause I totally gave myself that particular bit of advice several times since then and yet...
I find myself in the same spot. So maybe I'm just a little addicted... :P
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| Boys |
[08/11/09 @ 12:42 pm] |
siiiiigh :) :) :) :) :)
So, this kid is awesome. And I'm so looking forward to seeing him in a couple weeks!
I think I could give up my ho ways. ;) :P
I mean, who else could I have just spent an hour talking about myths and ufos with? seriously? :D
what a geek
it's great
:)
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| So I'm reading lj |
[08/10/09 @ 7:42 pm] |
and thinking maybe this is one of the best places to post what I actually think
seeing as the only two ppl who still use it that I actually care about are niks and hannah. :P
maybe I'll post something scandalous. Just to shake things up.
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| sterilization |
[07/03/09 @ 9:58 pm] |
So I guess this thing with my grandad is pretty serious....
that scares me man....
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| It's been such a long time |
[07/02/09 @ 11:31 pm] |
"think I must be going..." - "Foreplay/Long time" by Boston. Amazing song.
So........I haven't posted here in forever. Don't know what made me do it tonight. (All the cool kids are doing it?)
So lately (figure I might as well start in with the so's) I've been totally introverted and a little self-absorbed. Ok, totally self-absorbed. I dunno what the deal is. It's not all bad either. I've had some rockn days man. :) Even now I think I'm writing this for myself haha. I guess I'll give you guys the briefest of updates I can.
My grandpa's in the hospital and it hasn't really affected me yet. Or at least I don't think so. I mean, the doctor's say he's ok, so I'm not too worried, but I hate it when ppl I love are in the hospital. Hospitals scare the crap outta me.
I'm restless. I need to go. To just get up and leave with no plan. I've wanted so badly to just randomly leave someday. Like, just grab a backpack and leave, worry about food and stuff later. Or just drive til I run out of gas. Maybe someday when I get paid I'll just go. I'm not sure what's with the restlessness lately. I don't feel like I'm doing anything. I feel so stagnant. I ha ven't done any art, haven't written any stories or songs. Maybe I'm looking for inspiration, or maybe I'm looking for a new dream because I'm not sure what to do with the old ones or if they even fit anymore. All I want to do is travel. Literally, that's all I want to do. I get in the car and think how beautiful the wind is on my face and how amazing the radio sounds in my jeep and how I could possibly just go for miles...see new sights, meet new people...restless.
That's about all. Sorry if I've been a bit distanced from you guys lately. I don't mean to be. <3
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| yeah |
[11/17/08 @ 12:13 pm] |
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The weekend was pretty relaxed. I got a new phone so you guys can call me now! yay! After that I watched Annie with my mom, and Sunday we kind of just sat around. It was nice though. I like being home. Weird that Brandon wasn't there for most of it. I did get to see him though, briefly. I guess I'm doing alright being away from home, but it's still strange. Not sure I'm altogether used to it yet. Not sure I want to be. :) Then the trip back...haha! First off we didn't get started until 9:30. Then we got a flat about an hour outside of Williamsburg. That was about a two/three hour delay, maybe longer. I dunno. It felt really long. Bethany and I texted Andrew and Bryan to mess with their heads and keep us entertained. Eventually we added Cheryl, Grace, and Drew into it. The boys couldn't fix the flat, and we had two state troopers stop and leave saying they couldn't help us so we decided we had to go to a hotel, have the van towed, and continue the trip in the morning. this was about...12 ish? The tow truck finally showed up and the guy changed our tire and we got back on the road around 1. Got in this morning around 4. Needless to say I'm absolutely exhausted even though I slept in. I've got to go to classes today though and I've got a ton of work to work on tonight. I think I'm going to spend all of Thanksgiving break sleeping. Well, that was my weekend. Now to see what adventures the rest of the week brings.
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| whoa |
[11/15/08 @ 10:20 pm] |
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Have I seriously not updated this in that long? There's so much blogging to keep up with. *sigh* Check on myspace or xanga for latest crap. :) I'll try to post here every now and then.
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[07/30/08 @ 7:44 pm] |
that hurt.
I could say a lot of things. To both of you. Maybe I'm just too touchy.
*sigh* I'm ready for Lynchburg.
But not to you. You freaking hobo. I finally know what my parents were worried about. You're not gonna read this anyway but... I don't know why I always wished to talk to you when I was upset. Always wished you weren't so freaking far away. Not anymore man. You are so freaking undependable. That's what they were all trying to say. It may be trivial, but every time I've looked forward to something you've let me down. A phone call, a visit...and yet I'm still gonna miss you. Kind of. Right now I'm just sick of you.
So now who am I left with? To call? To wish for? Someone new.
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| why is it |
[07/11/08 @ 9:56 pm] |
when I get really tired and over emotional I only want to talk to one person
the one person I shouldn't talk to?
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| boys |
[07/05/08 @ 2:38 pm] |
Boys are dumb.
Hand me a rock.
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| BWAHAHA! |
[07/01/08 @ 6:59 pm] |
Thoroughly embarrassed myself today.
So, only 1 of you really knows the importance of Aiden. He's this character I've had for years and one I'm absolutely in love with.
Ok, now, do you also remember a certain crush I had at the end of the year? Sure you do (over now by the way)
mix the two together and you have the crush calling himself by Aiden and me being thoroughly flustered. BAH! ahhahaha!
Anyway, I thought it was funny.
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| OK |
[06/25/08 @ 11:01 pm] |
So, who thinks Mark and Chelsie are AMAZING????
I DO!!!!!!
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